Self Discovery: Who Are You When You’re Not Helping Others?

I was in a counseling session and my incredible therapist asked me a question that I didn’t expect. She started digging deeper and my response to her was, “I guess I’ve always felt the role assigned to me was to be a help and comfort to others.” When I tell you the waterworks came rushing down. It was one of those breakthrough moments that I needed. She created space for me to process – she’s amazing.

You might think, well there is nothing wrong with helping and comforting others right? You are correct. That is a BEAUTIFUL trait to embody. Especially when I think about the power of walking with people in their joy and pain. However, my mindset was actually unhealthy. Where I felt responsible for every and anyone. Even people I didn’t know well. I would feel guilty if I wasn’t being helpful, even if I wasn’t in the best place. I would push through and be there for people. Even if I was being mistreated.

Over the last several years and mainly 2020, I’ve had a chance for much needed self-discovery and reflection. Learning more about who I am and who I AM NOT beyond what I do and how I help people. Taking a back seat and simply just being was what I loved so much about the end of 2020. Last year was tough, but I am grateful for some of the sweet lessons. I learned the power of my “NO” and being okay with disappointing people. I had to learn and I am still learning that I can hold space for people, while also having healthy boundaries. Not to push people out, but to invite harmony in those God-given connections and relationships. This meant not always being readily available. This meant if I was empty and had nothing to give, I was okay with not giving advice or answering the phone all the time. This meant at times being silent in group messages and not feeling the need to always be the voice of reason. This meant taking the back seat so SOMEONE ELSE could shine.

I’ve definitely know what it means to lose yourself in helping others. As wild as it is, I know that many people struggle with that. And if you are an enneagram 2, you already KNOW what it is. Your worth and value is not tied to what you DO – this includes your service to others. It’s tied to the One who paid the price for you and me. Coming out of this means you might do it wrong. People may think you have changed. They might even call you mean or a jerk. But that is okay. It’s okay to walk through this process messy, so that you can come out of it the best you, to be the BEST for others. In a healthy way.

When you’re not helping others – who are you? What do you like? What lights you up? I think it’s something worth exploring this weekend.

Capturing Destiny Together,


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